Monocle Café, London

So the Monocle Café has finally opened on Marylebone’s languid Chiltern street. It’s a very different proposition from the Tokyo café; the smaller space understandably brings a more slavish adherence to clean lines which is utterly on-brand. It is closer to the mould of a modern coffee shop than its department store basement cousin in Japan; itself more a stylised canteen or airport lounge.

The Tokyo original has more curves, non-standard angles, texture and fluidity, which is ironic given that it was designed by Omotesando Koffee’s Eiichi Kunitomo, enlisted due to his own impeccably lined, cubist masterpiece. Ostensibly, he out-Monocled Tyler. But then, Japan is the muse. With a dash of Nordic governance and pragmatism.

Coffee is procured from East London Kiwi outfit Allpress, served with Japanese inspired crockery and trays (for sale, naturally), and is thoroughly Antipodean in execution. Which is to say excellent. Cakes were baffling – they resembled the oversweet, glacier fruited cakes of Chinatown, but with real fruit pieces and actually pretty tasty. I look forward to the full menu, which promises more brunch items and possibly even gin. 

The staff are Monocle through and through. Really, the whole thing is. Whether or not the whole brand proposition is fanciful and aspirational beyond the stars is beside the point (of course it is, does the easily attainable sell £6 magazines?), as the delivery here is spot on.

Beyond some less-explored world commentary, bold ideas and voices on contemporary living, and its championing of print media, Monocle will be long remembered as an exquisite case study in branding. It’s unshakeable, beautiful, consistent, ubiquitous and preposterous. With a blue apron and a perfect beard.

It has shrewdly tapped in to success, vanity, knowledge and frequent flyer status as manifestations of the professional man’s raw competitive streak, and created something brilliant. I see it for what it is - as both  advertising bod and targeted punter, and I admire it even more.

Bluebelles of Portobello

Another new-ish opening on northernmost Portobello Road (better known for Golborne Road admittedly), Bluebelles offers a vast brunch menu and fantastic coffee in a familiarly contemporary space.

Confidence and consumption never left West London. But affordable rents did, and with them went a lot of independent spirit. A generation of innovators and entrepreneurs has come of age in a time when most of West London is priced beyond viability. This little quarter has always been eclectic however (and had tribes comparable to ‘hipsters’ decades before anywhere east) and is seemingly returning to the map. 

Pizza East is the notable pin on the map these days, but Lowry & Baker and The Crazy Baker both provide the coffee and carbs integral to resting weary feet and thus underpinning any retail stretch. 

And this is quite the stretch: from beautiful Ally Capellino to London's own Moroccan epicentre, via vintage interiors stores, fancy florists, galleries and high-concept hairdressers, there is a lot of faux-boho and decidedly upscale activity here.

Bluebelles brings a third option within ten metres; a veritable cluster! Finally there is some choice in terms of decent coffee around here. It’s with Caravan beans, and very well executed. As well as the full brunch menu, there is an array of the usual savoury and sweet stuff. 

The café itself is buzzy, loud and illuminated by a selection of filamenty bulbs, as well as those swirly ones from Dragons’ Den. Perhaps they were indecisive, and trialled a few, and then decided mishmash was actually ‘the look’ – who knows. With the urban starkness of exposed brick softened by with the titular blue pastels, it’s a pleasant space. I liked the Moroccan tiles' nod to the Golborne environs.

And it's all very welcome in these final weeks, before this pig trots south of Father Thames….

Anderson & Co

Anderson & Co is a café on Peckham’s epicentre of localism and loveliness, Bellenden Road. Shrewdly for a trailblazer in a nascent area, they cover off multiple functions like bakery (sourced from Blackbird round the corner), brunch place, coffee hotspot, deli items and plenty of sweet stuff for the afternoon crowd.

We had a mix of the brunch and bistro menu. The Piglet went for bacon and scrambled eggs on sourdough, which was cooked behind us (the back dining room doubles up as the kitchen), well-seasoned and moderately priced at £5, if dare I say it, moderately sized too.

I had the chicken, chorizo and three bean casserole which was also about £5-6. There was a lone, soggy-skinned chicken drumstick which didn’t rock my world, but beyond that was plenty of punchy chorizo, a rich sauce and lots of warming beans. The zingy salad and excellent sourdough contributed to make this a great value lunch indeed.

Square Mile coffees were a strong point too, including some decent latte art, but I’m always a tad miffed when a long black is priced the same as a latte (both £2.50 – increasingly standard for this part of town). Hot water with a double espresso poured on top doesn’t require the same time, skill or ingredients (milk). Still, tiny gripe.

Anderson & Co is the sort of quality local café every area could do with. They host pop-up dinners, are very friendly and seem to be pivotal for the community, knowingly fortunate enough to have Bellenden Road as their village street. I’m curious to see if they adapt (or not) to the much-hyped General Store opening opposite (who will be doing Workshop Coffee), but Bellenden Road can comfortably handle several decent coffee and food places within its eclectic mix. 

p.s. Bellend. Bellend. Bellend. Obvious and immature perhaps, but I'd be lying to my own puerility if I feigned ignoring it.

Food – 8/10 

Drink – 6/10 

Service - 8/10 

Value – 8/10 (would be a 9 for food, 7 for coffee)

Tap water tales – 9/10 

Staff Hotness – 6/10 (homely!)

The Attendant

The Attendant is a coffee shop which has taken over the relatively iconic Victorian gents’ outside of the Crown & Sceptre pub in Fitzrovia.

I’ve been to a few of these in the past as bars; Ginglik is cavernously tragic, the Spitalfields church bar is plain shite and Manchester’s Temple of Convenience is too small and smelly to work, even with a tapestry of preserved Victoriana.

But this definitely works as a café. The space needed is less than for a bar and the robust, warming smell of Caravan's roasts is better than stale beer at eliminating what thoughts of what might have been. How curious that we are so happy to sip lattes and munch pastries in a former den of bodily functions and knee-tremblers. London after all does reinvention better than that desperate bag of bones Madonna, perhaps why she persists in darkening our door...

Great care has been taken to preserve in some cases (check the fantastic repurposing of the urinals or the tiling upon entry) and improve in others (peppy new orange tiling along the ‘bar’) and it really succeeds as a space. Staff are lovely, offering both water and WiFi code unprompted, allaying fears of a subterranean lack of 3G.

For a tiny old bog, there is a pretty ambitious and tempting food menu. Foxcroft & Ginger may have a new challenger for the best sandwiches and lunch in London’s coffee scene. I was majorly eavesdropping and learned that the co-owner is versed in NY Jewish deli culture and so we can expect brisket, pastrami and turkey hand-sliced in situ as well as a brunch menu. Plans for future private dining hire and wine evenings excited this little pig too – there’s only so long you can sit in a basement before grape or grain spring to mind.

And as I enjoyed my perfect long black under the lampshades of an old cistern, my head nestled between the cheeks of  a formerly working urinal (voyeur no doubt to plenty of illicit head itself), I realised that in London's booming coffee-verse, duplication and choice have grown quicker than originality.

The Attendant dispels any plateauing of innovation resolutely, offering somewhere quite brilliantly conceived and executed. It certainly fuels the fire that Fitzrovia, now boasting Kaffeine, Gitane and the Scandi Kitchen even on Great Titchfield Street alone, is now firmly W1's underdog coffee hub. And a lot cooler about it than Berwick or Lexington Streets.

Rapha Cycle Club

Rapha Cycle Club is almost a little too cool for its own good. It’s a sleek, metallic, industrial space, split between cyclewear and a café area. The people at first glance are as you’d expect: inked-up cliques of a better-heeled (and wheeled) variety than Look Mum No Hands.

On closer inspection, there were more folk in civvies than in cycling attire, and the staff were incredibly welcoming. No exclusive cyclist ghetto is this, unlike the terror of deigning to perch on the wall where Poland St meets Broadwick.  

Focaccia was a good size and price (£4.50) for these parts, especially when eating in and it’s grilled and served with a decent handful of dressed salad. It was packed full of prosciutto, mozzarella, tomatoes and basil, and a great lunch. My long black was delicious – I believe they’re moved from Monmouth Beans to Square Mile. 

Interestingly, it was predominantly male and is effectively a very blokey coffee joint. Any ‘coffee date’ I have with a male friend inevitably results in a brief stand-off before one caves in to proclaim “fuck it, fancy a pint?”, and the faux-intentions of coffee are long consigned to history. But at Rapha there are actually plenty of guys having a coffee together. Talking tats. And hedge funds.

They sell booze (a short, eclectic wine list and Kernel beers) and with some music on, it wouldn’t be too shabby a place to come for a quick evening drink, or a cheeky afternoon one. And I thoroughly enjoyed the buzzy, original surroundings too, which reminded me of the many ‘concept’ café-in-retail offerings in Tokyo. I look forward to returning for the braised beef brioche – effectively pie filling encased in a brioche bun, which at £3.50 seems great value.

The Borough Barista

For all that is great and good in Marylebone, coffee is surely a weak point. At one extremity, there is Workshop Coffee’s Wigmore Street outlet, and now at another, there is The Borough Barista. 

Neither are particularly handy to the main drag, where the prospect of now two Nordic Bakery locations are about the best it gets.

Or the Chiltern Rooms, which is never open. Providores if you're eating, granted, Rumours of Monocle Café are still just that, although the old restaurant opposite Midori House has had a lot of builders in. 

So a good place anchoring ‘Seymour Village’ is bound to be a winner surely? Well the initial signs are good – strong design, a newspaper sellers’ chalkboard with coffee proclamations, clean, fresh interior and a lovely outdoor seating area. So far so good.

The service is friendly too. But the coffee just wasn’t up to much. I ordered a Long Black, which any place worth its salt in 2012 knows is different to an Americano. Shorter, stronger, no danger of milk. What was automatically made was a large sized Americano (sold at the higher price – without asking) which was subsequently too weak. 

The beans were their own, and weren't particularly flavourful at any end of the spectrum, due to the poor execution. Dull ceramics too I thought, which is an easy win usually.

The selection of goodies to eat was tempting, but at about £4 for a cheese and tomato croissant, I gave it a swerve. Much of the money round here won’t even look at the prices, so marks for opportunism I suppose.

A shame really, and while I would not write it off on one bad coffee, that one experience was poor. Seymour Place is a quintessential inner London street, with a burgeoning foodie scene comprising of Donostia, Sandy’s Corsican Pizza, Vinoteca and a couple of decent pubs.

If this enclave continues to flourish (Marylebone has the most discerning landlords in the country) then this place will become quite prominent. I hope then that the quality will then match the potential.